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HELP FOR PARTNERS OF PORN ADDICTS
Categories: Advice, books, Health, stress

HELP FOR PARTNERS OF PORN ADDICTS  

by

Lindsay McKinnon

I lived with a porn addicted partner for over three years… which resulted in my being treated for post traumatic stress disorder.

When I was looking for help for partners of porn addicts, I found very little. There is a huge misconception about porn addiction and what it is. Unless counsellors are specifically trained  in sexual addiction, then they can cause far more harm than good with their ‘it’s healthy, all men do it’ advice. To begin, they do not recognise that it is an addiction or that they are dealing with an addict.

Like any other addict HE WILL LIE about how much he views, how it affects his thinking, his love making, his relationships.

HE IS AN ADDICT – HE WILL LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING. (my partner told his counsellor he watched no more than a couple of hours a week – in fact, he regularly watched up to eight hours a day).

The spouse of a porn addict is made to feel that she is the one that has the problem and should chill out…’it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you’ is not only not helpful, it is entirely wrong. Tests that were done with Rubin’s Love Scale proved that even after a short exposure to porn, partners felt less attraction and less love for their partner.

For the partner it is a living nightmare. You feel as though you are the one running through the streets in Invasion of the Body Snatchers, desperately trying to tell others that your once loving partner is now a soulless unfeeling husk, but are looked on as being delusional – which only adds to the trauma.

Comments such as ‘just sit down and talk to him about it’ show a total lack of understanding of what is happening. If you just ‘sat down and talked’ to a coke addict about his addiction, would you really be naive enough to believe it would help? Of course not.

Yet porn is more addictive than cocaine.

Dopamine and Norepinephrine among other naturally produced chemicals provide a volatile cocktail that make porn the hardest drug to overcome,  and – unlike cocaine – the addict WILL NEVER GET IT OUT OF HIS SYSTEM. Images are burnt on to the brain that remain forever, and will come into his mind when he is making love to his partner, whether he wants them to or not.

The brain is physically rewired and actually changes shape to produce new neural pathways away from sex with a human being and instead toward masturbation to porn, until it becomes the only way he can attain satisfaction. To get the same level of his fix of Dopamine he has to watch more porn and watch a greater intensity of degradation (producing a testosterone rush).

Unfortunately, unless you have lived through this dreadful experience, or are trained to deal with porn or sex addiction specifically,  you cannot possibly begin to understand the devastating effects it has on a couple. Eventually the man is unable to make love unless he watches porn first and brings in some of the most degrading acts into what was once a healthy loving relationship.

Porn has become rife over the last twenty years and incidents of erectile dysfunction are now happening with young guys in their twenties because of it, We are now seeing the effects of the first generation that has been brought up in a porn culture where their first exposure to porn happens from age 11. Not Playboy porn, but hardcore, torture, degradation and rape – all free and all at the click of a button and all going into the brain of our youth, who think its a ‘good way to learn about sex.’

Porn desensitizes to an alarming degree. In the UK we have just jailed a man for murdering ‘the girl next door’, by re-enacting the porn scenes that he watched regularly. When he had dumped the body, he went out for pizza and texted his g/f that he was bored.

I was devastated by my partner’s addiction (and his skewed views on what was normal… including ideas that children should be able to make up their own minds if they are ready for sex or not). I couldn’t find help anywhere.

I decided to use my skills as a writer and created a web site

www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com (brit spelling of behaviour) and am nearing completion of a book for partners called You Want Me To Do WHAT With That?! The Life Expectancy of a Relationship With a Porn Addict.

The site, and the book are written in a humorous style, but none the less serious in their intent. Humour breaks down many barriers and, by putting the situation the partner is facing in a way that shows how ridiculous it is, it helps the partner face what is a soul destroying situation.

The book includes comments and interviews with people and experts from all areas, including ex porn performers who show clearly how ‘harmless’ porn is not. You will also hear from porn performers who themselves are married to porn addicts, who will not make love to them, but will masturbate to porn instead.(which I think should be indluded in the dictionary under the definition for irony)

I would love to hear from partners of porn addicts, who have a story they would like to share with me to help other women.

I am starting a video series on my website in which I will be taking real stories and looking at what solutions are available in various situations.

I beg of other users not to confuse casual porn use with addiction and post comments that suggest ‘simply do’ this that or the other. There is no simple solution and porn addicts can take years to get over their addiction, with most failing to stay ‘sober’.

I leave you with these statistics

Over 56% of divorces now cite excessive porn use in their petition.
Partners are most often mistreated for a problem they have, not for the resulting trauma of living with their partner’s addiction.

One expert claims that 70% of partners end up being treated for post traumatic stress disorder (as I was).

Finally the Directory of  Mental Disorders will be adding porn addiction to their 2012 edition – which will hopefully result in a better education among counsellors.

This is a serious addiction, it is rife and it is devastating.                          No one wants to shout from the rooftops ‘hey I can’t get it up for my girlfriend anymore cos I watch too much porn’, so it remains under the radar while spreading faster than an internet virus.

On the site there is a fun (yes, fun!) his/hers quiz, Paramour or Porn Perv which may throw some light on what you are facing and give you a laugh at the same time.

I wish you all the love and affection you are undoubtedly no longer getting at home.

Good luck

Lindsay McKinnon

If you would like to buy a copy of Lindsay’s book

to help the partner of a porn addict you know,

you can do so here.

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